'Fear has paralysed me emotionally for a number of years. I am well aware of that, and so I have created a life for myself, a life alone; this has always seemed so much safer. Brick by brick by brick I have erected a wall around myself, a wall built on the foundations of my business, my work and my career. I have done this in order to protect myself, to insulate myself from life; work has been my strong citadel for such a long time now, and it has given me exactly what I have needed these few years.'
-Everything to Gain written by Barbara Taylor Bradford.

I think that really describes me seriously.

i am messy yet i like and try to be neat.the clashes of the two worlds.how i wish everything will just fall into their own places.literally.

i think im missing out a phase in my growing years.you know the part where everyone would be obsessing over someone in the reel life.thinking how that person is so perfect and stuff.somehow the feeling never occured to me.maybe i'll like the actor, but not obsess over that person.but it'll fade away almost as soon as i start liking that actor.and it happened only once.or twice.i can't remember.sighs.

music calms me.or probably almost everybody as well.whether im angry.sad.bored.cheerful.damp.stone.yea...somehow the songs perk me up.or more like just make me forget about all my worries.and responsibilities.yes.responsibilities.how i wish i wasn't so responsible.and then people won't put the responsibility on me.but sometimes i do enjoy the responsibilities.yet sometimes i just hate it when i have too much.and then i won't be responsible for my own self.i should be glad yet im sad to leave crescent.a certain someone had to just rub it in all the way.first.hockey captain.that probably won't end till december.but im worried about the team spirit then.now to future-was-going-to-be-but-not-possible-now keller house captain.im leaving.so i don't really have to do anything about it.but polly just had to drag me into it cos me, lavania and siew hui are leaving for nj thus they're short handed.and thus we are called back to help by the house captain.sighs.

never thought not swimming for months can make me lose my touch.i used to take classes and can swim laps without getting tired.and now.how bad i've dropped.it was really nice to swim after so long.the scenery was perfect.not much sun.but the construction of regency suites just had to destroy the view.the jacuzzi was nice and warm.and bubbly.stayed in the pool till my fingers and toes were all wrinkled like crap.

to think i would have gone past with a very boring december i proved myself wrong.with so much damn stuff to do i don't think i can go to genting before finishing everything up.which leaves me exactly 2 weeks and a day left.i feel the pressure although no one is pressuring me.
i love to assume.oh yes.that is one aspect i hate of myself.like really really deep hatred.cos i do it unconsciously.and thus its so turn off-ish to myself.BLAH.
im falling asleep on my chair AGAIN.nights.ta.