climbing

I really lost you. There's no more desire. No more motivation to join the group. I'm not getting excited as I used to, being pushed on by failure and wanting to try what others couldn't do. The moves don't feel right anymore, there's no flow, no fluidity and no connection between you and me. It was like me going through with the motions, but without any heart in it. 

It's the shoulder. It's preventing me from getting deeper with you. 

It's all the admin work. It's taking the time I can have with you.

It's the abundance of choices. It's making it difficult to decide which path to head towards.

It's all excuses.

Please. Let me fall in love with you once more. 

doppelganger

I really don't know how to describe this feeling. Of tiredness, like as many put it, 'the weight of the world upon my shoulders'. The whole day was pretty good, even when I attended the assembly, and turned up late for training. But it was more towards the end, my mood just took a landslide downhill. Thanks to someone for bringing up unnecessary things at the wrong time.

 I really hate to argue, and I really don't wish to argue with you, but you just make it so hard to understand others' point of views and priorities. It's not all about what you think is best.

On other terms, there's still the permeating loneliness, which the solution of over-socializing does not help remedy the problem. Perhaps, it's about the time I realized that I'm screwed for mid-terms.

Am I really having too much on my plate? The team, the cafe, school. That's about it, but just enough to suck the life out of me. Not to mention internships, smux, and crescent hockey club. I need a doppelganger. I want to climb!!! But things have changed.

lost.

I lost it.

My passion for climbing, for organizing, for leading. 

I think its temporary. I really hope it is. The fatigue, or maybe its the never-ending administrative work that distracts me from starting on what I really want to achieve. Perhaps I should delegate more. I always forget not to just take everything on my own. 

It was so much easier to lead a team. One that trained together, ate together, played together, competed together. Rather than leading a group, whom are divided by interests, divided by skills, divided by levels, divided by schedules. I felt like there's some change from before. The group dynamics have shifted, causing people to behave differently. It's time to start blowing the bird-calling whistle.

Don't give up, because it's only the start. 

i wish this can be all about you. but no, now there are so much bigger issues on my mind than needing a guy. so why can't you just stay out of my head!

i'm actually surprised at myself for being surprised that i got the position of added responsibilities. perhaps i didn't think that much about it before, or i was hoping to just enjoy and cruise my way through climbing. but now, i've gotta think. what i want, what others want, and how i can achieve it so that everyone's happy. there's bound to be some scuffles here and there, but i'm sure enjoyable will benefit everyone.

i need a relaxer.

it just occurred to me that between the hiatus of 11 months on my blog, i missed out mentioning two very significant points in my life.

1. I'm in SMU(Singapore Management University)
2. I'm climbing.

why is it so important for me to declare these as part of me?
I do strongly believe that my time in SMU (not even a full year yet), has changed me in little ways, and will most probably affect most of my future life choices and directions. Also, they are right now, the loves of my life. especially climbing. just like gymnastics, I'll regret not ever being part of the sport.

Some (like my dad) ask, "what's so fun about climbing?" People may just think we climb up the wall full of tiles, come down, and go up again. If you think that's all to climbing, think again and read on.

We climb plastic holds on the wall, yes. But one needs to figure out where to put one's hands and legs, in what position, in what sequence? It's challenging having to figure out a puzzle before one pounces on the wall. And then there's the adrenaline rush when you're climbing. Can I reach for the next hold? Can I hold on to that shitty tile? If I put my leg there, can I jump for the tile? Can I finish the problem? And then you listen to your surroundings. Have you got people shouting and encouraging you from behind? Cheering you on. Going "awww" when you missed the tile and fell on to the soft mattress below. They feel your excitement for you, and you feel theirs, to carry on climbing. It's dependent on each other. Climbing is an individual sport? Don't ever say that again, because it's definitely a team sport, it's just up to you to decide how big you want your team to be.