Are you mad Pamela Chua?
Yes, I think I am.

Had another long chat with my eldest brother today.
in a way it was surprising. revealing. i wouldn't bring it all the way to enlightening. but it's good to know what's going on and get a new perspective on things now and then.
in a way, he helped me to focus on my priorities, which is a good thing for the next 20 days of mine. I need all the focus i can get.

full steam ahead!

it hits me over weekends. where my mind just doesn't seem to function the way i want it to. and i am powerless over it. you may call it a lack of self discipline, but i do know what i have to do. my body just doesn't seem to listen to me to carry out what my mind wants me to do. all the more i'll plunge myself into romantic love stories which probably makes it worse. but hey, better to celebrate a fictional character's love then just stoning time away right.

all i know that is it started on friday. an eventful day, one which could have been much more productive if the unproductive student in me had just given in to the fact that i was past the peak of studying. it just went downhill, and let me ask you, can you get depressed from knowing that you're not studying when you really have to and have no more time to do it? well i think i have. perhaps all that pressure is building up again, and instead of giving me the motivation to study, it's pulling me further away from my goal.

i know i can never say what i really want to say here, and as the title has suggested since the start. it's been a place i rant. ranting the superficial. i type whatever that comes to mind during these episodes, perhaps to mask or distract myself from really looking at what i'm feeling. just before i started this post, i skimmed through the latest entries on member blogs on my reading list on the blogger dashboard, mostly reflections on graduation day.i've been wanting to blog happy things about friday (being the last supposed day of school and all) and the new wonderful experiences that happens when one finally feels that they're moving ahead. but i just lost that feeling to type about it, being lazy and all. I always go perhaps one day i'll find the time to type it out properly, but i know myself. that day will never come if i don't start now.

when you enter a new school, you meet lots of new people. some, you get closer to, some you just ignore just because you don't know them and there's really no need to know them. that's when it started. but three years and nine months down the road, you suddenly are making friends with people you haven't really talked to at all for the past three years and nine months. it's intriguing really. about how you know the end is coming, and you'll try to pull everything closer to you, whatever it is or whoever they are, so as to prevent the feeling of loss. i don't think i've ever felt this sociable, ever. the past month has been a routine of studying mostly, but in between, you forge ties with people whom are going through the same process. something like 'alchoholics anonymous', an example brought up during one of the GP classes. we depend on each other to pull through to the end, feeding of eeach other's energy, motivation, enthusiasm, depression, pressure...everything. oh yes, i'm off topic again.

friday. we came to school, many armed with cameras, i didn't. i armed myself with vanilla frosted cupcakes for teachers and two and a half hours of sleep. there was a 5-course buffet provided by the school, totally fried, and the school instead of leaving us with the feeling of exuberance that we're finally graduating, it was the feeling of pressure and haste- to get all our CIP and CCA records filled up. once i threw that feeling aside, there was the 06IP photo on the field, of which some got a little more sun than they should have, but through it all, it might be worth it for that picture or two that shouts 'remember those times!'. i retreated off to the library to do a little unproductive studying, and convinced myself to miss a session of frisbee cum captain's ball with a huge mass of people who could have probably lifted my spirits. Thus when i was chased out of that depressing haven, i had to wander around and flit from people to people, while waiting to enter the NJC AEP Graduation show. I must say though, kudos to the 15 eighteen(or nineteen or twenty) year old artists who produced amazing works of art. Tedious i would describe them,  something i would never have the patience to complete. after a little art appreciation, i had dinner with a group of people i never dined with before. it's a first for a lot of things for me that day. dinner was at CURRYWOK. with lynna, jing min, daniel, eugene k, eugene t, alan, alvyn, zichao, pauline and denise. funny how it was about 3 years ago that this place i had associated with my hockey senior's favourite dinner hang out, and haven't stepped into the premises at all. it's ironic that i'm only coming here to taste that delicious food only when i'm graduating, with a completely different group of people i never imagined myself with. in all, there's still many things in this world that we have yet to experience, so don't assume life and take it for granted.

saturday, DEEPAVALI! my first celebration of the festival of lights, thanks to chenchel! I must say, i haven't had the experience before mot due to my lack of indian friends ( i do have some), but rather my lack of initiative to get invited to one. it's really interesting to take part in something that is out of your own culture. the appeal of it just makes it so much more fascinating. it was to celebrate jillian's 18th too, but we (our class girls) managed to feast on great indian home-made snacks too! i'm glad that i didn't skip out on this. it was a day worth not studying for.

that's all i would conclude over my happy weekend,besides my brother coming home from NS for his first break since he went in less than two weeks ago. he didn't change at all, being that guy lying in front of his computer from dusk to dawn for the whole weekend. But with him gone, the house seems so quiet at night, me being the only child left in the house. makes not much difference if i keep staying out to study though. it's gonna be a quiet holiday once A's are over.

I realized a habit of mine in my language. when i describe events, i tend to avoid using the word 'i', although it's been used a lot in this sentence. somehow there's an aversion to it. 'we' comes out instead, when technically it's only one person's point of view, it's a little weird.perhaps it's my nature to avoid attracting attention to myself, or the need to include myself in a group, to feel like there's people around me. but it does get a little creepy, as if there's more than one of me around, a split personality more like. a two-faced person, i'm not surprised that it's more than just me though.

people who see this. don't take it to heart, try not to comment about it. i wouldn't know how to react to people who react to my rantings other than a thank you or silence.

now, that was so much longer than i anticipated. but i feel much better already :D

A Whole New World
I can show you the world
Shining, shimmering, splendid
Tell me, princess, now when did
You last let your heart decide?

I can open your eyes
Take you wonder by wonder
Over, sideways and under
On a magic carpet ride

A whole new world
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us no
Or where to go
Or say we're only dreaming

A whole new world
A dazzling place I never knew
But when I'm way up here
It's crystal clear
That now I'm in a whole new world with you
Now I'm in a whole new world with you

Unbelievable sights
Indescribable feeling
Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling
Through an endless diamond sky

A whole new world
Don't you dare close your eyes
A hundred thousand things to see
Hold your breath - it gets better
I'm like a shooting star
I've come so far
I can't go back to where I used to be

A whole new world
Every turn a surprise
With new horizons to pursue
Every moment red-letter
I'll chase them anywhere
There's time to spare
Let me share this whole new world with you

A whole new world
That's where we'll be
A thrilling chase
A wondrous place
For you and me

Such a wonderful movie..
although aladdin's smile looks a little spaz.


now, just sharing my wonderful Al funghi dinner.

Let's just totally ignore that bloody diet I've been on for the past two one week. More veggies, less rice, stick to three meals a day. I just ate cornflakes with banana in yogurt. Gross you say? It probably was, sour, sweet, crispy and gooey. But i don't think i minded it with my brain in a pretty screwed up state right now. Wasn't even thinking when I was trying to make something for myself to eat.

Life's not meaningless just because I failed (S) physical geog, but it does suck like hell. Somehow it feels worse than getting a U for math common tests. I shouldn't feel this bad since I already expected myself to fail, or maybe inside I really didn't THINK i would REALLY fail. Maybe it's because I didn't think i could get such horrible grades for geog, or maybe I just finally felt so bad being one of ms ting's targets.

My other subjects ain't that fantastic either, with a B for GP (i'm happy about that, but can't seem to be happy for it now with that cloud over my head), C for Bio overall (paper 2 was still an E), and E overall for Math (still a U for paper 1 anyway). Let's forget about scholarships and universities for now. 

I am saddened. By the fact that Cashmere Mafia is no longer going to be able to keep me entertained.

Study study. That's my life.

matt: thanks, haha. I'll tell her that one day.

denise: i know you miss me so:) after A's yea! We'll invite the gang so you better polish up your skills!