L,

Honestly, for awhile after I opened the card you gave me, I wasn't sure what to do next. I was really happy inside, that I was sure about.

I wasn't sure whether I was ready for this, ready to say it back to you. I was afraid, afraid of losing you, afraid of getting my heart broken.

But then I realized, no one is ever ready for love. It happens, and you just have to embrace it without fear. I already knew inside that I loved you. There was no denying that. Especially when I wake up in the mornings thinking of you.

You have taught me so much,
You accept me for who I am completely.
You inspire me to be a better person, everyday.

And although sometimes I feel like I don't know how to show it adequately, but you make me whaley whaley happy!


Thank you,
and I love you too.

P.

love

if no one's giving you any love, give some love out yourself first.

Social Psychology - Chapter 10

When we were together, we never talked about love. I think we were almost afraid of it, because I know was then. afraid of committing, of throwing myself into a whole new relationship I didn't know would last (which I did anyway).

A textbook was the one that told me I had loved you. How pathetic am I. You shouldn't need a textbook to tell you that you are in love, no matter if it's passionate love or companionate love. One should be able to feel it, the tremendous and expendable, universal feeling of love.

But it's also the textbook that is giving me reasons to accept that it was the right choice to let you go then. That we aren't compatible, that our relationship will not last in the long run. It was the situation we created for ourselves that caused the feelings to surface. The overwhelming propinquity we had for a full year, I can only say that I'm sad that it ended together with the relationship.

Ironically, the textbook telling me all this, also belongs to you.

Someone like me

I finally felt a resemblance of my past lonely life. One of which I was perfectly content with socializing with my friends without feeling a need of you. Without feeling some sort of heart-clenching moments. For a few weeks now, I barely talk to you, which I definitely do find surprising. But as a friend, I can only say that you have been pretty reclusive. I had once wished that even though we broke up, we might have become best friends. A person I could count on to share my happy days, bad days, days of feeling fat. Now, I'm just content if I can hold a conversation with you, but it'll still take some effort to hold a prolonged one. Perhaps the only reason why I still long for you is the time we had in US was too memorable. It'll be hard for anyone else to top that experience together with me.

Yes. I know I'm feeling lonely, and inadvertently my thoughts will turn to you because there's no others to turn to. So thanks, for providing a ready source of memories. I just wonder when will I not need these feelings of loneliness anymore.

Exams, let's get you done and over with. 

Why I still keep thinking about you.

You were the first who made me feel like I was wanted. I felt loved. That beats any other reason out there. And now that you're not around me, I miss that love that was once given to me. I can't miss what is in the future, only the past, which is you.

you're like this piece of cake.
i've tried it already, and i was enjoying the cake so much because it was so good.
then, the cake is taken away from me.
placed somewhere close enough that i can still see it, smell it, but i just can't taste it anymore.

and i suffer, cause i'm addicted and i'm not getting my cake.

it hurts. it hurt really bad just now and i don't know why.
the sudden pain in my chest, i had to hide my grimace on my face by staring out the window.
i need you now. 

and so for 10 days i didn't have that courage.
i mustered up enough to write you a note. and at least it was delivered in person.
i don't know how you're going to react, but i hope it's at least gonna hurt a little, if not, all the pain is mine to bear.
i'd expect this though: you won't do a thing about the situation, just go on ahead with your life. by yourself. because i was never there.

it's time for me to organize my life. like you said. prioritize.

to throw out the ancient trash and redundant pieces of scrap i've been holding on to.

i think we didn't work out. 

no matter how much i like you, we're just too different.

i needed the love and affection which you don't seem to give.

perhaps it was because we only had each other then. the familiar past to share our experiences with.

ever since we came back from there, you changed. or rather, you went back to what you were before. 

i had expectations, hopes, and ideas for us together, but now, there's only disappointment.

i liked you. i really did; whole-heartedly.
the time and emotions i spent on you seems for nothing.

you didn't make me feel like i was yours.

i gave myself to you too easily. 

you made the first move, i surrendered readily.

when the time comes for us to have this conversation, i pray that i'll have the courage to go through with it, because i know that my heart will break a little.

i wish i could tell you this.
i hate you. for making me think of you all the time, just by doing nothing.
i expected more from you. like what we had before. but it feels like everything is gone.
am i still special to you?
different country, different feelings?
i think we're better off as what we were before new york. friends. friends with benefits.
because i need love. and you aren't giving me that.
i hardly ever spend anytime with you. although i do see you almost everyday.
when i'm in sight of you, my heart skips a beat. does yours? please tell me it does.
because i don't want to waste my love on you anymore.