fucking broke down again.
this time it was bad.
hyperventilated. couldn't breathe. it hurt as hell.
but it passes. it always does.

the trigger was the usual persistent calls from home while i'm out enjoying myself. mood drastically shifts. i leave the party, alone. attempting to catch the last train home. I do manage to, only to get stranded at another station. i contemplate walking home. that's 3 hours. i decided to hail a cab cause i was already feeling like shit from the redundant half hour train ride.

my train of thoughts shifted from anger, ultimately to loneliness. thoughts of leaving home. sleeping in school. talking back. giving up all that shit. and back to loneliness. and how i couldn't even ask my own mother for a hug to soothe the pain away.my chest hurt. real bad. it was uncontrollable.

do i really have to be so strong? I was brought up to be strong. I'm always keeping it in. Guess that's when I really reach my limit and let everything out. Like a overflowing dam that couldn't keep everything contained anymore. 

I was sad. I almost thought I was on the verge of depression. But no, that last part is not justified (according to what I'm being taught at school).
I was tired. I knew I was breaking down. But no, I could hold it in. There was no need for the tears to come out.
I was lonely. And i still am. But no, there's no one I turn to to push it away.

I must stay strong. But for who? Who am I staying strong for? My family? Friends? My Future? Myself?

Sometimes I feel like I'm giving too much of myself away. And there's barely enough left for me. Can someone give me back a part of me?

i'm a TERRIBLE procrastinator. like, i procrastinate MADLY. wait...i should change that to..

I'm an EXPERT procrastinator.

oh how i hate myself so much for it. 

i wish this can be all about you. but no, now there are so much bigger issues on my mind than needing a guy. so why can't you just stay out of my head!

i'm actually surprised at myself for being surprised that i got the position of added responsibilities. perhaps i didn't think that much about it before, or i was hoping to just enjoy and cruise my way through climbing. but now, i've gotta think. what i want, what others want, and how i can achieve it so that everyone's happy. there's bound to be some scuffles here and there, but i'm sure enjoyable will benefit everyone.

i need a relaxer.