fuck this shit like seriously.

doppelganger

I really don't know how to describe this feeling. Of tiredness, like as many put it, 'the weight of the world upon my shoulders'. The whole day was pretty good, even when I attended the assembly, and turned up late for training. But it was more towards the end, my mood just took a landslide downhill. Thanks to someone for bringing up unnecessary things at the wrong time.

 I really hate to argue, and I really don't wish to argue with you, but you just make it so hard to understand others' point of views and priorities. It's not all about what you think is best.

On other terms, there's still the permeating loneliness, which the solution of over-socializing does not help remedy the problem. Perhaps, it's about the time I realized that I'm screwed for mid-terms.

Am I really having too much on my plate? The team, the cafe, school. That's about it, but just enough to suck the life out of me. Not to mention internships, smux, and crescent hockey club. I need a doppelganger. I want to climb!!! But things have changed.

glee season 2. episode 22.

I cried. or more accurately, teared. the scene was rachel and Kurt singing 'Because I knew you' from the Broadway musical Wicked. oh how much I wished to be back there in NYC.

why am i so melancholic?
I am sick of the feeling of being alone.

more rumination.

as the night wind blows, my thoughts drift from the possibility of me suffering from depression, to how nice it'll be to not have all these responsibilities and just live life in the countryside.

I just feel so tired. So alone. Maybe it's the unacclimatised  exhaustion from climbing, or the stress from all that's going on. sometimes, I keep asking myself, why am I working so hard? for whose sake? Or am I just caught up in the system. Programmed to do everyone's bidding.


I want to be alone to think, and to wallow and cry. But I still want someone to be there for me. Conflicted.


>recorded: thoughts in motion

Someone like me

I finally felt a resemblance of my past lonely life. One of which I was perfectly content with socializing with my friends without feeling a need of you. Without feeling some sort of heart-clenching moments. For a few weeks now, I barely talk to you, which I definitely do find surprising. But as a friend, I can only say that you have been pretty reclusive. I had once wished that even though we broke up, we might have become best friends. A person I could count on to share my happy days, bad days, days of feeling fat. Now, I'm just content if I can hold a conversation with you, but it'll still take some effort to hold a prolonged one. Perhaps the only reason why I still long for you is the time we had in US was too memorable. It'll be hard for anyone else to top that experience together with me.

Yes. I know I'm feeling lonely, and inadvertently my thoughts will turn to you because there's no others to turn to. So thanks, for providing a ready source of memories. I just wonder when will I not need these feelings of loneliness anymore.

Exams, let's get you done and over with. 

fucking broke down again.
this time it was bad.
hyperventilated. couldn't breathe. it hurt as hell.
but it passes. it always does.

the trigger was the usual persistent calls from home while i'm out enjoying myself. mood drastically shifts. i leave the party, alone. attempting to catch the last train home. I do manage to, only to get stranded at another station. i contemplate walking home. that's 3 hours. i decided to hail a cab cause i was already feeling like shit from the redundant half hour train ride.

my train of thoughts shifted from anger, ultimately to loneliness. thoughts of leaving home. sleeping in school. talking back. giving up all that shit. and back to loneliness. and how i couldn't even ask my own mother for a hug to soothe the pain away.my chest hurt. real bad. it was uncontrollable.

do i really have to be so strong? I was brought up to be strong. I'm always keeping it in. Guess that's when I really reach my limit and let everything out. Like a overflowing dam that couldn't keep everything contained anymore. 

i need to channel my emotions to a more positive direction.
although similarly as unproductive as before, i believe it's nurturing back the creative side of me.
except...that it's making me want to get down and dirty back in the kitchen!

whole wheat penne and vodka tomata sauce - aprondays.blogspot.com

or this:

raspberry chocolate tart - caren blair

i'm thinking about having "Friday nights with Pam" - in the kitchen of course (:

it'll be a time i can enjoy myself in the kitchen cooking for people i love and enjoy company with. or let's just start with my family. a special time.

and then i'll start inviting people over.