time alone

I felt lazy. and maybe it wasn't practical to join others climbing when others have already climbed for 2 hours. So I just decided to head home. It was a pretty good decision. Some alone time (in the day), which I definitely have been lacking recently. 

There's just been so much moving around, meeting people, being sociable. And coming back home just means it's time to clear emails, follow up on the progress of events, and catch some sleep to re-energize for the next day's hectic schedule. I could say it's a definite recipe for burning out. 

It's a particularly inspiring day, following a brunch with the namaste people (refers to the team i did and OCIP to nepal with last year). The leaders for the subsequent Namaste mission just came back recently, and they were sharing all the stories that happened up in the mountains those two weeks, while we compared it to our experiences a year before. It was a great time to reminiscence. And while Zehou just came back from his backpacking trip to Vietnam, Cambodia and Bangkok, Zihan had just returned from India as well. It really made me want to just fly out and explore the world there and then. But with Namaste, there's always this sense of giving back. It started out after all, as a community service trip between a group of people wanting to give back to the citizens of the world. The social enterprise cafe which allowed tourists to help it's workers by teaching them english, the swiss doctor who set up a chain of free children's medical hospital and his weekly cello concerts without fail, the joy displayed by the children in Nepal when we arrived, it's a wonderous feeling of amazement. 

This is why i love them Namaste people. Giving me inspiration and motivation to aspire. 

Thanks guys.

back thoughts in motion.

13th Dec 2011, 9pm
as the night wind blows, my thoughts drift from the possibility of me suffering from depression, to how nice it'll be to not have all these responsibilities and just live life in the countryside.

I just feel so tired. So alone. Maybe it's the unacclimatised  exhaustion from climbing, or the stress from all that's going on. sometimes, I keep asking myself, why am I working so hard? for whose sake? Or am I just caught up in the system. Programmed to do everyone's bidding.




27th Dec 2011, 2.52pm
is it possible to like someone so deeply, without liking their habits, actions and personality? it's confusing me terribly. Having such strong emotions for a person whom I don't believe is the type of guy for me, as if I'm liking a person for the idea of him, and not himself. Doesn't really make sense, I know. Perhaps I needed someone to like so desperately that I projected my emotions onto a person whom I'm most familiar with?

Just give me someone who would hold me and tell me everything will be alright.

it isn't the present that hurts, but the past and it's memories that hurt us.

the christmas spirit

it's christmas eve.
time for me to get my stuff together and enjoy the remains of an approaching christmas.

more rumination.

as the night wind blows, my thoughts drift from the possibility of me suffering from depression, to how nice it'll be to not have all these responsibilities and just live life in the countryside.

I just feel so tired. So alone. Maybe it's the unacclimatised  exhaustion from climbing, or the stress from all that's going on. sometimes, I keep asking myself, why am I working so hard? for whose sake? Or am I just caught up in the system. Programmed to do everyone's bidding.


I want to be alone to think, and to wallow and cry. But I still want someone to be there for me. Conflicted.


>recorded: thoughts in motion

snippets shared.

Sometimes I share little snippets of our time together, hoping that my memories will still live on in others, rather than just mine. Perhaps it's a little like validating those few weeks, so that it doesn't fade away into nothingness. It's foolish that I'm still holding on to something of the past, something that will only bring back aching emotions.

Men. pfft.

I really want to be like her. My current favourite manga female lead character: Ayuzawa Mizaki from Kaichou wa Maid-sama! She has a spunky personality, starts really naive at the beginning, and has a hatred for guys. I guess that's where I relate to her, being like her : "the tiger" of the class, and is the general direction of this post.

I can't deny it. I'm terribly cynical about guys, not to the point of hatred, because yes, I still do fantasize about them, being Mr. Prince Charming and rescuing me from the daily monotonous hum-drums of life. But that's just it. Fantasy. It's hardly reality to find a perfect gentleman for yourself in this world. Hence, being too rational and logical, I still have this stereotypical image of men - Useless, aggressive bastards. It doesn't help that I just read an article about domestic violence on wives, that my dad just threw another one of his unbearable tantrums (which is why i'm trying to finish this post as fast as possible and get out of the house, even on a Sunday), and I'm FREAKING (i would like to use the word fuck, but let's be nice) PISSED OFF at one of my committee members (obviously a guy).

As I attempt to deconstruct my underlying motivations, I just hope I calm down after all this.

1. At home, I was brought up with the belief that guys are nothing more useful than to sit in front of the television, drop crumbs everywhere, and expect the woman to clean up. It doesn't help that my father throws himself into a fit of rage over minor unreasonable issues, spurting vulgarities from his mouth, threatening people with consequences that seem to matter, but we have learnt to ignore, almost on a daily basis. I have learnt to be unconcerned about it, but the truth is, I'll always feel affected by it. These tantrums affect the whole family, builds up stresses and tensions internally, making the home seem so much less hospitable. It's no wonder I feel so much more comfortable out of the house, most times leaving in the morning, returning at night, avoiding any further contact or situations that would throw my mood off. Using the social science perspective, it's through these experiences that I was socialized to think of men as aggressive, unreasonable and single-mindedly stubborn, especially when that is the first male characteristics you infer from a father figure.

2. Men have been disappointing me. Or that I could have set up too high expectations of them, that they constantly fail to live up to these expectations, hence the disappointment. But sometimes, is it just so much to ask from males to act maturely, take responsibility and be nice?

3. My previous boyfriends (if I do consider them), hasn't proved any useful in eliminating the stereotypical view I have of their species.

4. The feminist movement. Growing up in a patriarchal country, but with focus on gender equality and the many challenges that women face in society, has encouraged me to be empowered over my own gender. Empowered to carve the path of my future, without the dependence of men, that we don't need to be protected by them.

So if you think you can change my mind about males, please do look for me and prove the merits of your species otherwise. I'm just protecting a little girl from getting hurt here. 

is it so fucking hard just to come up with a list of the number of people needed to help out in an event?

FUCK ASS. 

i'd rather do it myself than wait for you to be done with it.

manga life

manga makes my life seem so dull. reading it propels you into this fantasy world, that you wish you were a part of, where miracles and magic happens. but it's precisely that: fantasy. not reality. which makes it so enjoyable that you never want to leave it.

post-paper complaints.

I've been awake for the past 4 hours, and it hasn't been nice to me so far.
Alright, that was an exaggeration. My last two hours hasn't been nice to me. And that was due to having my first finals paper of the semester. You know how much I hate studying and being tested for it.

1. My laptop refused to work in the exam room (the test was online). Thank god for prepared exam backup laptops, but WHY OH WHY did you not work then, and work only when the exam is OVER? It must have been going through a adolescent rebellion phase.

2. The test had an essay component. I really don't like writing essays (ironically, my major requires me to write many, many essays more).

3. I fell asleep during the exam. Although only for a few seconds, my brain really wasn't functioning for the first one and a half hours. I was typing without thinking anymore.

4. I really didn't care how I did for the essay anymore.

Results of a combination of grade ambivalence and sleep deprivation. And to think my aim was to pull up my GPA. I think I'll be happy with just not failing anymore.

This is probably a prelude to a series of similar upcoming posts, since there's three more papers to go, and I doubt I'll be in the inspirational mood to posts some life-changing thought.

travels.

"I am an adventurer not by choice but by fate"

Beautiful ain't it. It does reflect my inner feelings currently, as much as I want to travel the world. I came across this quote from one of the comments in an article by my current favourite blogger - Jeff Goins.
"3 Reasons to Travel While You're Young"
I started following him due to the above mentioned post when I saw it being shared on facebook. Before I read that article, I had a penchant for travelling. My adventurous nature just pulled me towards anything that was out there. The food, the culture, the atmosphere, the people, their thoughts, their habits, their behaviours - it's all so fascinating! The article only served one purpose. It reinforced my decision to travel. Whenever I can.

I'm going to meet people from around the world. Let me say 'Hi' to you first. Look out for me!

dreams.

I wanted to be a writer, after I read a book about becoming one in the publishing industry. 

I wanted to be a singer, after I watched a video of a talented artist and was amazed. 

I wanted to be a fashion designer, after I saw the beautiful designs in a magazine.

I wanted to be a teacher, after I read about the miracles teachers make in their student's lives.

I wanted to be a patissier, after I ate one of the prettiest cakes in the world.

I wanted to be a photographer, after I was mesmerized by the photos in a gallery.

I wanted to be a pilot, after I watched a Broadway play about a con-artiste who acted as one.

I wanted to be a flight stewardess, after I watched a movie of them jetting around the world.

I wanted to be a human rights activist, after I read an article about the poverty issues around the world.

I wanted to be a blogger, after I read about the perks of getting invited to events for free.

I wanted to be a ........

and I still can be anything I want to be. 

I don't think I'm fickle-minded or have no future direction, I'm just impressionable. It's wonderful, don't you think? To be able to be influenced by the wonders of life, to inspire one to be something, or someone that is happy to be that person in the future. You've got to enjoy your job to enjoy your life. Because most times, your job will be your life. I'm lucky to still be young, to not yet be stuck in the cycles of working life, where people find so difficult to get up and leave for something they really REALLY want to do. 

It's not wrong to have dreams. It's great in fact. It's a motivation that keeps the world happy.

Did you follow your dreams?

reading literature.

Oh, the sweet feeling of being able to finish a fictional piece of literature that wasn't required of me to memorize facts after theories after explanations.
The Devil Wears Prada by Lauren Weisberger.
Thank you for making my past 3 days so much more bearable, and providing me with much amusement despite the amount of studying I have to catch up on now. It just made miss New York all over again, and wish for things that would unlikely ever happen to me in the future. But dreams always serve a function. Don't give up on them.

Someone like me

I finally felt a resemblance of my past lonely life. One of which I was perfectly content with socializing with my friends without feeling a need of you. Without feeling some sort of heart-clenching moments. For a few weeks now, I barely talk to you, which I definitely do find surprising. But as a friend, I can only say that you have been pretty reclusive. I had once wished that even though we broke up, we might have become best friends. A person I could count on to share my happy days, bad days, days of feeling fat. Now, I'm just content if I can hold a conversation with you, but it'll still take some effort to hold a prolonged one. Perhaps the only reason why I still long for you is the time we had in US was too memorable. It'll be hard for anyone else to top that experience together with me.

Yes. I know I'm feeling lonely, and inadvertently my thoughts will turn to you because there's no others to turn to. So thanks, for providing a ready source of memories. I just wonder when will I not need these feelings of loneliness anymore.

Exams, let's get you done and over with. 

theory behind facebook.

I had an epiphany a few hours ago!
I had the feeling of solving a HUGE mystery, one of facebook. I thought I had figured out the theory behind facebook's success, but alas! Ironies of ironies, once I switched on my laptop in anticipation of recording it down on my memory-keeper blog, all thoughts were lost as facebook distracted me from recording down the theory of facebook!

So as I bathed, without the distractions of facebook in the shower, I attempted to recollect my memories of my epiphanic moment. But no, my short-term memory is so efficient at erasing temporary thoughts from my brain that I couldn't recall it at all.

The theory was likely introduced to me in one of my Sociology classes in school, where there is a sense of needing to know what other people think of you, each time you log onto facebook. It is similar to social reinforcement, where one seeks approval of his or her actions through feedback and comments garnered through their profile and activities online. It's so addictive precisely because we have this constant need to know if we still belong to an exclusive network of friends, and the steps needed to be taken to remain within that group. That is the feeling that keeps you wanting to come back for more information. To be exact, more social information.

Perhaps it was social referencing. It's the closest concept I can put my finger on at the moment, but saying it doesn't give me the same awe-inspiring, earth-shattering revelation of feeling that I experienced earlier. If the word does pop back into my brain, I'll let me know again.

Why I still keep thinking about you.

You were the first who made me feel like I was wanted. I felt loved. That beats any other reason out there. And now that you're not around me, I miss that love that was once given to me. I can't miss what is in the future, only the past, which is you.

fucking broke down again.
this time it was bad.
hyperventilated. couldn't breathe. it hurt as hell.
but it passes. it always does.

the trigger was the usual persistent calls from home while i'm out enjoying myself. mood drastically shifts. i leave the party, alone. attempting to catch the last train home. I do manage to, only to get stranded at another station. i contemplate walking home. that's 3 hours. i decided to hail a cab cause i was already feeling like shit from the redundant half hour train ride.

my train of thoughts shifted from anger, ultimately to loneliness. thoughts of leaving home. sleeping in school. talking back. giving up all that shit. and back to loneliness. and how i couldn't even ask my own mother for a hug to soothe the pain away.my chest hurt. real bad. it was uncontrollable.

do i really have to be so strong? I was brought up to be strong. I'm always keeping it in. Guess that's when I really reach my limit and let everything out. Like a overflowing dam that couldn't keep everything contained anymore. 

I was sad. I almost thought I was on the verge of depression. But no, that last part is not justified (according to what I'm being taught at school).
I was tired. I knew I was breaking down. But no, I could hold it in. There was no need for the tears to come out.
I was lonely. And i still am. But no, there's no one I turn to to push it away.

I must stay strong. But for who? Who am I staying strong for? My family? Friends? My Future? Myself?

Sometimes I feel like I'm giving too much of myself away. And there's barely enough left for me. Can someone give me back a part of me?

i'm a TERRIBLE procrastinator. like, i procrastinate MADLY. wait...i should change that to..

I'm an EXPERT procrastinator.

oh how i hate myself so much for it. 

i wish this can be all about you. but no, now there are so much bigger issues on my mind than needing a guy. so why can't you just stay out of my head!

i'm actually surprised at myself for being surprised that i got the position of added responsibilities. perhaps i didn't think that much about it before, or i was hoping to just enjoy and cruise my way through climbing. but now, i've gotta think. what i want, what others want, and how i can achieve it so that everyone's happy. there's bound to be some scuffles here and there, but i'm sure enjoyable will benefit everyone.

i need a relaxer.

you're like this piece of cake.
i've tried it already, and i was enjoying the cake so much because it was so good.
then, the cake is taken away from me.
placed somewhere close enough that i can still see it, smell it, but i just can't taste it anymore.

and i suffer, cause i'm addicted and i'm not getting my cake.

it hurts. it hurt really bad just now and i don't know why.
the sudden pain in my chest, i had to hide my grimace on my face by staring out the window.
i need you now. 

inspiring. 

taking the module Sociology of Food in school has been a rather eye-opening experience. i was always interested in food as a factor that moves the world, and this class has given me access into the world that we do not see as a normal "eater".

I want to change my diet, change my thinking of my eating habits, but it's gonna take awhile. but no hurry(:

go read: The Omnivore's Dilemma: the history of four meals. by Michael Pollan

in the meanwhile: watch jamie oliver's food revolution! he's definitely trying to change something.

do you see food in a different light? because i do now.

i need to channel my emotions to a more positive direction.
although similarly as unproductive as before, i believe it's nurturing back the creative side of me.
except...that it's making me want to get down and dirty back in the kitchen!

whole wheat penne and vodka tomata sauce - aprondays.blogspot.com

or this:

raspberry chocolate tart - caren blair

i'm thinking about having "Friday nights with Pam" - in the kitchen of course (:

it'll be a time i can enjoy myself in the kitchen cooking for people i love and enjoy company with. or let's just start with my family. a special time.

and then i'll start inviting people over.

and so for 10 days i didn't have that courage.
i mustered up enough to write you a note. and at least it was delivered in person.
i don't know how you're going to react, but i hope it's at least gonna hurt a little, if not, all the pain is mine to bear.
i'd expect this though: you won't do a thing about the situation, just go on ahead with your life. by yourself. because i was never there.

it's time for me to organize my life. like you said. prioritize.

to throw out the ancient trash and redundant pieces of scrap i've been holding on to.

i think we didn't work out. 

no matter how much i like you, we're just too different.

i needed the love and affection which you don't seem to give.

perhaps it was because we only had each other then. the familiar past to share our experiences with.

ever since we came back from there, you changed. or rather, you went back to what you were before. 

i had expectations, hopes, and ideas for us together, but now, there's only disappointment.

i liked you. i really did; whole-heartedly.
the time and emotions i spent on you seems for nothing.

you didn't make me feel like i was yours.

i gave myself to you too easily. 

you made the first move, i surrendered readily.

when the time comes for us to have this conversation, i pray that i'll have the courage to go through with it, because i know that my heart will break a little.

i wish i could tell you this.
i hate you. for making me think of you all the time, just by doing nothing.
i expected more from you. like what we had before. but it feels like everything is gone.
am i still special to you?
different country, different feelings?
i think we're better off as what we were before new york. friends. friends with benefits.
because i need love. and you aren't giving me that.
i hardly ever spend anytime with you. although i do see you almost everyday.
when i'm in sight of you, my heart skips a beat. does yours? please tell me it does.
because i don't want to waste my love on you anymore.

and so i'm back.
not single. but i feel like i still am.
why the distance?
because we aren't anonymous in this city anymore.

i need a new travelling partner. this one's too quiet. and a cynic. and boring.
it's so sad that he can climb, because that's a really big factor for travelling partners.

i'm tired. and i don't know why.
i've still got to
1) upload photos (guilin + hockey MGMs + new york)
2) research for places to go during my break
3) research for which part of US to travel
4) skype friends
5) diary entry
6) cook dinner
7) bathe

but i just want to sleep. maybe it's the "depressing new york" mood.

so here i am, sitting on an airport couch at 1.30am in the morning.
I'm transiting to JFK from Taoyuan International Airport, and still got another 7 hours to go till the next flight. we already killed 10 of it.
where am i going? to NEW YORK! for 3 months (work and travel program). woohoo!
my travelling companion? daryl - fellow climber/socsci student/namastee
employer? Nathan's Famous (Coney Island)

so, basically, the 17 hours of transit was a blessing, as i got to see and experience the famous Shilin Night Market and Xi Men Ding (harajuku of Taiwan), and eat fabulous food (despite the rain).

here's the start of my journey, i just hope i can continue it with such a happy note.

i'm back from Krabi - a SMU rock climbing trip, and here I am obsessing over BAGS :D


Presenting the potential candidates:

1. Gregory Tarne 36 Backpack

2. Gregory Serrac 45 Backpack 

3. Gregory Inyo 35 Backpack - Women's

4. The North Face Base Camp Duffel Bag 

5. The North Face Flyweight Duffel Bag

6. The North Face Flyweight Rucksack Travel Pack

7. Gregory Jade 40 Backpack

sweet stuff ain't it. can't wait to get them in the US man.

it just occurred to me that between the hiatus of 11 months on my blog, i missed out mentioning two very significant points in my life.

1. I'm in SMU(Singapore Management University)
2. I'm climbing.

why is it so important for me to declare these as part of me?
I do strongly believe that my time in SMU (not even a full year yet), has changed me in little ways, and will most probably affect most of my future life choices and directions. Also, they are right now, the loves of my life. especially climbing. just like gymnastics, I'll regret not ever being part of the sport.

Some (like my dad) ask, "what's so fun about climbing?" People may just think we climb up the wall full of tiles, come down, and go up again. If you think that's all to climbing, think again and read on.

We climb plastic holds on the wall, yes. But one needs to figure out where to put one's hands and legs, in what position, in what sequence? It's challenging having to figure out a puzzle before one pounces on the wall. And then there's the adrenaline rush when you're climbing. Can I reach for the next hold? Can I hold on to that shitty tile? If I put my leg there, can I jump for the tile? Can I finish the problem? And then you listen to your surroundings. Have you got people shouting and encouraging you from behind? Cheering you on. Going "awww" when you missed the tile and fell on to the soft mattress below. They feel your excitement for you, and you feel theirs, to carry on climbing. It's dependent on each other. Climbing is an individual sport? Don't ever say that again, because it's definitely a team sport, it's just up to you to decide how big you want your team to be. 

Ranting is apparently part of my nature. I need a place to just let out my thought, no matter how random they are. But as I am, I rarely will be able to commit myself to something for a long period of time, let alone on a regular basis. And thus, I'm back here, because I don't want to start a new page when I know i'll abandon it someday.

Today's rant is a self-reflection. On why am I'm so tired all the time.

The simplest reason being: I am too busy.

Why am I too busy? Because I take on too many things.

Why do I take on too many things? Because I am interested in these things and want to do them.

Why am I interested in so many things? Because they interest me.

.....

I think everyone who knows me, has heard about the number of commitments I have, and most likely I'm a limiting factor to the scheduling of many gatherings and meetings. I want to work, I have school, I want to play hockey, I want to continue with gymnastics(and perhaps hold on to a past that I gave up), I want to experience the world. I guess with so many commitments, it's unlikely that I'll ever commit my time fully and wholly to a certain project or commitment, which I find a saddening part of my life.