Men. pfft.

I really want to be like her. My current favourite manga female lead character: Ayuzawa Mizaki from Kaichou wa Maid-sama! She has a spunky personality, starts really naive at the beginning, and has a hatred for guys. I guess that's where I relate to her, being like her : "the tiger" of the class, and is the general direction of this post.

I can't deny it. I'm terribly cynical about guys, not to the point of hatred, because yes, I still do fantasize about them, being Mr. Prince Charming and rescuing me from the daily monotonous hum-drums of life. But that's just it. Fantasy. It's hardly reality to find a perfect gentleman for yourself in this world. Hence, being too rational and logical, I still have this stereotypical image of men - Useless, aggressive bastards. It doesn't help that I just read an article about domestic violence on wives, that my dad just threw another one of his unbearable tantrums (which is why i'm trying to finish this post as fast as possible and get out of the house, even on a Sunday), and I'm FREAKING (i would like to use the word fuck, but let's be nice) PISSED OFF at one of my committee members (obviously a guy).

As I attempt to deconstruct my underlying motivations, I just hope I calm down after all this.

1. At home, I was brought up with the belief that guys are nothing more useful than to sit in front of the television, drop crumbs everywhere, and expect the woman to clean up. It doesn't help that my father throws himself into a fit of rage over minor unreasonable issues, spurting vulgarities from his mouth, threatening people with consequences that seem to matter, but we have learnt to ignore, almost on a daily basis. I have learnt to be unconcerned about it, but the truth is, I'll always feel affected by it. These tantrums affect the whole family, builds up stresses and tensions internally, making the home seem so much less hospitable. It's no wonder I feel so much more comfortable out of the house, most times leaving in the morning, returning at night, avoiding any further contact or situations that would throw my mood off. Using the social science perspective, it's through these experiences that I was socialized to think of men as aggressive, unreasonable and single-mindedly stubborn, especially when that is the first male characteristics you infer from a father figure.

2. Men have been disappointing me. Or that I could have set up too high expectations of them, that they constantly fail to live up to these expectations, hence the disappointment. But sometimes, is it just so much to ask from males to act maturely, take responsibility and be nice?

3. My previous boyfriends (if I do consider them), hasn't proved any useful in eliminating the stereotypical view I have of their species.

4. The feminist movement. Growing up in a patriarchal country, but with focus on gender equality and the many challenges that women face in society, has encouraged me to be empowered over my own gender. Empowered to carve the path of my future, without the dependence of men, that we don't need to be protected by them.

So if you think you can change my mind about males, please do look for me and prove the merits of your species otherwise. I'm just protecting a little girl from getting hurt here. 

fucking broke down again.
this time it was bad.
hyperventilated. couldn't breathe. it hurt as hell.
but it passes. it always does.

the trigger was the usual persistent calls from home while i'm out enjoying myself. mood drastically shifts. i leave the party, alone. attempting to catch the last train home. I do manage to, only to get stranded at another station. i contemplate walking home. that's 3 hours. i decided to hail a cab cause i was already feeling like shit from the redundant half hour train ride.

my train of thoughts shifted from anger, ultimately to loneliness. thoughts of leaving home. sleeping in school. talking back. giving up all that shit. and back to loneliness. and how i couldn't even ask my own mother for a hug to soothe the pain away.my chest hurt. real bad. it was uncontrollable.

do i really have to be so strong? I was brought up to be strong. I'm always keeping it in. Guess that's when I really reach my limit and let everything out. Like a overflowing dam that couldn't keep everything contained anymore. 

Ranting is apparently part of my nature. I need a place to just let out my thought, no matter how random they are. But as I am, I rarely will be able to commit myself to something for a long period of time, let alone on a regular basis. And thus, I'm back here, because I don't want to start a new page when I know i'll abandon it someday.

Today's rant is a self-reflection. On why am I'm so tired all the time.

The simplest reason being: I am too busy.

Why am I too busy? Because I take on too many things.

Why do I take on too many things? Because I am interested in these things and want to do them.

Why am I interested in so many things? Because they interest me.

.....

I think everyone who knows me, has heard about the number of commitments I have, and most likely I'm a limiting factor to the scheduling of many gatherings and meetings. I want to work, I have school, I want to play hockey, I want to continue with gymnastics(and perhaps hold on to a past that I gave up), I want to experience the world. I guess with so many commitments, it's unlikely that I'll ever commit my time fully and wholly to a certain project or commitment, which I find a saddening part of my life.

Norman: same standard??
Nush: HI YOU FINALLY TAGGED. i thought it was chocolate souffle!
Denise: HI. glad you amused yourself with my dreams.
Chris: YES. When can we start?

Study session at Starbucks: Tanglin Mall today. I expected to meet Nush, since she did say that she'll be there, but Denise turned up in her place, both of us expecting to find Nush around the corner. But no, she didn't turn up. it was a pretty productive 4 hours i spent there, now that i've acknowledge that math and geog just takes that much time to revise. One hour was spent chatting and laughing with Denise, over belgium waffles and her hazelnut choc-chip muffin (sorry, but i think mine are still nicer :P). Our conversation topics went around friends (or rather a friend), and teachers. It was a really interesting theory, which she thinks isn't appropriate to post here in case the object of discussion happens to pass by and read my blog. it went along the lines of, subject teachers, marriage status, age, and weirdness level. Doesn't seem to apply to the females though. And then threw around the idea of the mass IP video to remember ourselves by. But it wouldn't be possible before A levels, and there's really no point in making it AFTER A's (with all the guys being shipped off to another island, some others flying around the Earth, and no one really wants to go back to NJ when there's not much reason to ain't it.)

Now, i just feel so old. it's really all going to be over soon. Four years of preparation (or maybe 2 months worth) is all going to be over in two month's time. I really can't wait to get compulsory education over with, and then finally get a move on Life.




You know the phrase that goes, once you taste a little of luxury, you can't go back to the simple life? Well, that's how i think my tastebuds evolved. For bread at least. I've probably mentioned before on how i've switched to eating Country loaves and Walnut loaves for breakfast instead of white sliced breads. Now, I've finally reacquainted myself with the taste of Foccacia, and it's just heavenly. I'm craving it all the time now, after that delish breakfast of Apple baked ham (it was on sale at Cold Storage) with lettuce and cheese in Foccacia I made myself this morning. I feel like making my on breads now, it's so much more convenient and inexpensive.

Now that i think about it, the reason i like baking and cooking. It's in my nature, to make things, create things, to use my hands and shape something from the Earth. Cooking and Baking allows me to do just that, projecting my imaginations and ideas into physical forms, pleasuring the senses be it sight, smell or taste. The Beauty of creations make people happy, and that's the emotion the world needs rather badly. Then it extends to almost all crafts and aspects of life. Fashion, music, food, architecture, furniture, dance......it just pleases me to be able to use my hands to create something, even if i may not be good at it at all.