L,

Honestly, for awhile after I opened the card you gave me, I wasn't sure what to do next. I was really happy inside, that I was sure about.

I wasn't sure whether I was ready for this, ready to say it back to you. I was afraid, afraid of losing you, afraid of getting my heart broken.

But then I realized, no one is ever ready for love. It happens, and you just have to embrace it without fear. I already knew inside that I loved you. There was no denying that. Especially when I wake up in the mornings thinking of you.

You have taught me so much,
You accept me for who I am completely.
You inspire me to be a better person, everyday.

And although sometimes I feel like I don't know how to show it adequately, but you make me whaley whaley happy!


Thank you,
and I love you too.

P.

sums up the start of my summer.

26 April 2012 - 26 May 2012

pamm

ending

Sometimes, ending exams can be so uneventful. the feeling of being lost, not having anything urgent to do, or a goal in mind. it's a little disorienting.

like how I feel when I'm usually super busy with commitments, having a lull period just throws me off.

summer 2012

I can't wait. 

It's distracting me so much so that I have got to let it out somewhere in attempt to get it off my mind. There's still two more papers to go (which I feel are relatively important for me to score well), but there's very little motivation to study for them now, since my motivation's being taken up by my excitement over upcoming plans for the next three weeks. Here's the plan, and ho, it's going to be packed!

Rinjani Trekking and Bali

25th May - night flight to Bali

27th May - start trekking Mt Rinjani

1st May - Bali explorations

3rd May - fly home

Melbourne

4th May - night flight

5th May - head for Grampians to join melly

6th May - drive back down to city

7th - 8th May - Great Ocean Road drive with hockers, and another side trip to Grampians

11th May - val's dance concert

13th May - Food hunt with Kaden&Jason

14th May - fly home!

it's so terribly exciting i can't wait!

Social Psychology - Chapter 10

When we were together, we never talked about love. I think we were almost afraid of it, because I know was then. afraid of committing, of throwing myself into a whole new relationship I didn't know would last (which I did anyway).

A textbook was the one that told me I had loved you. How pathetic am I. You shouldn't need a textbook to tell you that you are in love, no matter if it's passionate love or companionate love. One should be able to feel it, the tremendous and expendable, universal feeling of love.

But it's also the textbook that is giving me reasons to accept that it was the right choice to let you go then. That we aren't compatible, that our relationship will not last in the long run. It was the situation we created for ourselves that caused the feelings to surface. The overwhelming propinquity we had for a full year, I can only say that I'm sad that it ended together with the relationship.

Ironically, the textbook telling me all this, also belongs to you.

life as a waitress

Fun! I love it when C is there. She's the one who makes those 5-7 hours enjoyable. If she didn't start on the second day I was there, I don't think I'd have continued with the job. I love it when we comment about the customers right in front of them, and just have a good laugh over whatever random things it is. And yesterday, was no exception. This is what I started:

Me: " Everytime I look at that couch, I just want to jump and pounce onto it." < refers to big black sofa and my tired feet.

*C looks over to the couch*

C: "The couch, or the man?"

*I raise my eyebrows, and look over to the couch appreciatively. Hunky cutely delicious man sitting on the other couch next to it.*

Me: "I was talking about 28(the empty couch), but.......heh."

C: "So once again, the question - the MAN, or the Couch?"

*I smile, and went to attend to other customers*

:D

doppelganger

I really don't know how to describe this feeling. Of tiredness, like as many put it, 'the weight of the world upon my shoulders'. The whole day was pretty good, even when I attended the assembly, and turned up late for training. But it was more towards the end, my mood just took a landslide downhill. Thanks to someone for bringing up unnecessary things at the wrong time.

 I really hate to argue, and I really don't wish to argue with you, but you just make it so hard to understand others' point of views and priorities. It's not all about what you think is best.

On other terms, there's still the permeating loneliness, which the solution of over-socializing does not help remedy the problem. Perhaps, it's about the time I realized that I'm screwed for mid-terms.

Am I really having too much on my plate? The team, the cafe, school. That's about it, but just enough to suck the life out of me. Not to mention internships, smux, and crescent hockey club. I need a doppelganger. I want to climb!!! But things have changed.

alcohol.

It's my third time in a club, and there's still alcohol coursing through my veins. But I really still don't get the point of clubbing. Some say, they are there to dance. But, you aren't dancing. You are just bopping around on the spot, gliding your shoulders up and down, left and right, bouncing on your knees, swaying side to side.

Oh wells, the adrenaline or "highness" produced by alcohol doesn't seem to do it for me. I need things like bungee jumping or skydiving to get me high.

it seems the alcohol rushes to my knees rather than to my head. perhaps that's the reason why i'm still sober after a shot and 3 full mixers.

glee season 2. episode 22.

I cried. or more accurately, teared. the scene was rachel and Kurt singing 'Because I knew you' from the Broadway musical Wicked. oh how much I wished to be back there in NYC.

lost.

I lost it.

My passion for climbing, for organizing, for leading. 

I think its temporary. I really hope it is. The fatigue, or maybe its the never-ending administrative work that distracts me from starting on what I really want to achieve. Perhaps I should delegate more. I always forget not to just take everything on my own. 

It was so much easier to lead a team. One that trained together, ate together, played together, competed together. Rather than leading a group, whom are divided by interests, divided by skills, divided by levels, divided by schedules. I felt like there's some change from before. The group dynamics have shifted, causing people to behave differently. It's time to start blowing the bird-calling whistle.

Don't give up, because it's only the start. 

Effort.

I haven't been fighting. Fighting for what I want, or have a goal in life. Is that bad? Not to have an ultimate goal in life?I give up too easily sometimes, and I don't work hard enough.

When I was a gymnast, I knew I loved the sport, being able to unlock the potential in us, to push our bodies to the limit to achieve something wonderful. That, was a great feeling I didn't understand before. I loved being able to do tricks with my body, to be able to do things others couldn't, it empowered me, taught me things that I would never have learnt in the classroom. However, I remembered wanting to win at Nationals, but somehow I don't remember pushing myself for it. There was no inner desire, no push from within to go over my boundaries to be the best. I guess that's why I never won any Nationals. That was my only regret from my 6-year artistic gymnastics career. Because I never pushed myself hard enough, and thought I was better than others, and became complacent. Gymnastics was a difficult and demanding sport, that I can agree, and I'm glad it was a part of my life before.

Same for hockey I believe. I remembered more pushing then. More sweat, more tears, more emotions. And now, let's not get lazy and regret about climbing too. Time to get cranking. 

so thank you Payson, Kaylie, Lauren, Emily and Sasha for showing me what I didn't notice before.

once a gymnast, always a gymnast. 

cloud

let's hope this fog of confusion lifts, because I can't stand this feeling anymore.

time alone

I felt lazy. and maybe it wasn't practical to join others climbing when others have already climbed for 2 hours. So I just decided to head home. It was a pretty good decision. Some alone time (in the day), which I definitely have been lacking recently. 

There's just been so much moving around, meeting people, being sociable. And coming back home just means it's time to clear emails, follow up on the progress of events, and catch some sleep to re-energize for the next day's hectic schedule. I could say it's a definite recipe for burning out. 

It's a particularly inspiring day, following a brunch with the namaste people (refers to the team i did and OCIP to nepal with last year). The leaders for the subsequent Namaste mission just came back recently, and they were sharing all the stories that happened up in the mountains those two weeks, while we compared it to our experiences a year before. It was a great time to reminiscence. And while Zehou just came back from his backpacking trip to Vietnam, Cambodia and Bangkok, Zihan had just returned from India as well. It really made me want to just fly out and explore the world there and then. But with Namaste, there's always this sense of giving back. It started out after all, as a community service trip between a group of people wanting to give back to the citizens of the world. The social enterprise cafe which allowed tourists to help it's workers by teaching them english, the swiss doctor who set up a chain of free children's medical hospital and his weekly cello concerts without fail, the joy displayed by the children in Nepal when we arrived, it's a wonderous feeling of amazement. 

This is why i love them Namaste people. Giving me inspiration and motivation to aspire. 

Thanks guys.

back thoughts in motion.

13th Dec 2011, 9pm
as the night wind blows, my thoughts drift from the possibility of me suffering from depression, to how nice it'll be to not have all these responsibilities and just live life in the countryside.

I just feel so tired. So alone. Maybe it's the unacclimatised  exhaustion from climbing, or the stress from all that's going on. sometimes, I keep asking myself, why am I working so hard? for whose sake? Or am I just caught up in the system. Programmed to do everyone's bidding.




27th Dec 2011, 2.52pm
is it possible to like someone so deeply, without liking their habits, actions and personality? it's confusing me terribly. Having such strong emotions for a person whom I don't believe is the type of guy for me, as if I'm liking a person for the idea of him, and not himself. Doesn't really make sense, I know. Perhaps I needed someone to like so desperately that I projected my emotions onto a person whom I'm most familiar with?

Just give me someone who would hold me and tell me everything will be alright.

it isn't the present that hurts, but the past and it's memories that hurt us.

more rumination.

as the night wind blows, my thoughts drift from the possibility of me suffering from depression, to how nice it'll be to not have all these responsibilities and just live life in the countryside.

I just feel so tired. So alone. Maybe it's the unacclimatised  exhaustion from climbing, or the stress from all that's going on. sometimes, I keep asking myself, why am I working so hard? for whose sake? Or am I just caught up in the system. Programmed to do everyone's bidding.


I want to be alone to think, and to wallow and cry. But I still want someone to be there for me. Conflicted.


>recorded: thoughts in motion

snippets shared.

Sometimes I share little snippets of our time together, hoping that my memories will still live on in others, rather than just mine. Perhaps it's a little like validating those few weeks, so that it doesn't fade away into nothingness. It's foolish that I'm still holding on to something of the past, something that will only bring back aching emotions.

Someone like me

I finally felt a resemblance of my past lonely life. One of which I was perfectly content with socializing with my friends without feeling a need of you. Without feeling some sort of heart-clenching moments. For a few weeks now, I barely talk to you, which I definitely do find surprising. But as a friend, I can only say that you have been pretty reclusive. I had once wished that even though we broke up, we might have become best friends. A person I could count on to share my happy days, bad days, days of feeling fat. Now, I'm just content if I can hold a conversation with you, but it'll still take some effort to hold a prolonged one. Perhaps the only reason why I still long for you is the time we had in US was too memorable. It'll be hard for anyone else to top that experience together with me.

Yes. I know I'm feeling lonely, and inadvertently my thoughts will turn to you because there's no others to turn to. So thanks, for providing a ready source of memories. I just wonder when will I not need these feelings of loneliness anymore.

Exams, let's get you done and over with. 

Why I still keep thinking about you.

You were the first who made me feel like I was wanted. I felt loved. That beats any other reason out there. And now that you're not around me, I miss that love that was once given to me. I can't miss what is in the future, only the past, which is you.

fucking broke down again.
this time it was bad.
hyperventilated. couldn't breathe. it hurt as hell.
but it passes. it always does.

the trigger was the usual persistent calls from home while i'm out enjoying myself. mood drastically shifts. i leave the party, alone. attempting to catch the last train home. I do manage to, only to get stranded at another station. i contemplate walking home. that's 3 hours. i decided to hail a cab cause i was already feeling like shit from the redundant half hour train ride.

my train of thoughts shifted from anger, ultimately to loneliness. thoughts of leaving home. sleeping in school. talking back. giving up all that shit. and back to loneliness. and how i couldn't even ask my own mother for a hug to soothe the pain away.my chest hurt. real bad. it was uncontrollable.

do i really have to be so strong? I was brought up to be strong. I'm always keeping it in. Guess that's when I really reach my limit and let everything out. Like a overflowing dam that couldn't keep everything contained anymore. 

I was sad. I almost thought I was on the verge of depression. But no, that last part is not justified (according to what I'm being taught at school).
I was tired. I knew I was breaking down. But no, I could hold it in. There was no need for the tears to come out.
I was lonely. And i still am. But no, there's no one I turn to to push it away.

I must stay strong. But for who? Who am I staying strong for? My family? Friends? My Future? Myself?

Sometimes I feel like I'm giving too much of myself away. And there's barely enough left for me. Can someone give me back a part of me?