book genres

"Romance" genre books are just a nicer name for Literary Porn.


Read: Fifty Shades trilogy by E L James

love

if no one's giving you any love, give some love out yourself first.

Social Psychology - Chapter 10

When we were together, we never talked about love. I think we were almost afraid of it, because I know was then. afraid of committing, of throwing myself into a whole new relationship I didn't know would last (which I did anyway).

A textbook was the one that told me I had loved you. How pathetic am I. You shouldn't need a textbook to tell you that you are in love, no matter if it's passionate love or companionate love. One should be able to feel it, the tremendous and expendable, universal feeling of love.

But it's also the textbook that is giving me reasons to accept that it was the right choice to let you go then. That we aren't compatible, that our relationship will not last in the long run. It was the situation we created for ourselves that caused the feelings to surface. The overwhelming propinquity we had for a full year, I can only say that I'm sad that it ended together with the relationship.

Ironically, the textbook telling me all this, also belongs to you.

twenty first.

I just came back from an old friend's 21st birthday party, and the day's proceedings got me thinking about stuff, so I've got many things going through my head right now, most of them about my future.

The question has been popping up quite frequently: "What are you studying in university? What major of Social Sciences? What do you learn in Sociology?". Sometimes, I'm at loss for words. I'd wish I'd have googled it earlier. (Wiki: Sociology is the scientific study of society. A sociologist studies human societies and social behavior.) Other times, I can describe generally, that I study almost anything and everything about people and the world, basically, fluff. As to what (jobs) I can do, almost anything not specific is about it.

And then "Which JC did I come from? NJC?". And the response I'll get are those assuming I'm a) smart, b) stereotypical hardworking mugger and c) straight A student. Expectations. That's what people have of you when they find something out about you. Expectations create stereotypes. No. Scratch that. Stereotypes create expectations, and these expectations drive the person to achieve or prove something, sometimes only reinforcing the stereotypes. The never-ending cycle.

Which brings me somewhat to my future career. I think life is too short. I don't think there'll be enough time in life for me to achieve all that I want to do, like climb the Himalayas, travel the Silk Road on bike, visit the remote villages in the world, check out the Amazon rainforests before they die out...and the list goes on. I want my job to be able to allow me to accomplish these things, something flexible, that I can do at my own time. Like writing, or photography, or blogging. But I've clearly shown no apititude for any of these creative industries. And no self-discipline to make myself complete tasks on my own. I'll procrastinate forever till the end of time and nothing will get accomplished.

So the latest project I've got running in circles around my head: a backpacker's hostel with an integrated cafe/bakery. Combining my passion for travel and baking, isn't this an ideal solution?

the Earth.

this is extremely random. just a warning.

What if, a freak event caused the Earth to rotate in the opposite direction. From East to West, instead of from West to East?


Would time be turned back? Perhaps not. But it'll be interesting to see the sunrise at your window when it's normally the sunset. Or would the seasons change to different months of the year?

Effort.

I haven't been fighting. Fighting for what I want, or have a goal in life. Is that bad? Not to have an ultimate goal in life?I give up too easily sometimes, and I don't work hard enough.

When I was a gymnast, I knew I loved the sport, being able to unlock the potential in us, to push our bodies to the limit to achieve something wonderful. That, was a great feeling I didn't understand before. I loved being able to do tricks with my body, to be able to do things others couldn't, it empowered me, taught me things that I would never have learnt in the classroom. However, I remembered wanting to win at Nationals, but somehow I don't remember pushing myself for it. There was no inner desire, no push from within to go over my boundaries to be the best. I guess that's why I never won any Nationals. That was my only regret from my 6-year artistic gymnastics career. Because I never pushed myself hard enough, and thought I was better than others, and became complacent. Gymnastics was a difficult and demanding sport, that I can agree, and I'm glad it was a part of my life before.

Same for hockey I believe. I remembered more pushing then. More sweat, more tears, more emotions. And now, let's not get lazy and regret about climbing too. Time to get cranking. 

so thank you Payson, Kaylie, Lauren, Emily and Sasha for showing me what I didn't notice before.

once a gymnast, always a gymnast. 

why am i so melancholic?
I am sick of the feeling of being alone.

back thoughts in motion.

13th Dec 2011, 9pm
as the night wind blows, my thoughts drift from the possibility of me suffering from depression, to how nice it'll be to not have all these responsibilities and just live life in the countryside.

I just feel so tired. So alone. Maybe it's the unacclimatised  exhaustion from climbing, or the stress from all that's going on. sometimes, I keep asking myself, why am I working so hard? for whose sake? Or am I just caught up in the system. Programmed to do everyone's bidding.




27th Dec 2011, 2.52pm
is it possible to like someone so deeply, without liking their habits, actions and personality? it's confusing me terribly. Having such strong emotions for a person whom I don't believe is the type of guy for me, as if I'm liking a person for the idea of him, and not himself. Doesn't really make sense, I know. Perhaps I needed someone to like so desperately that I projected my emotions onto a person whom I'm most familiar with?

Just give me someone who would hold me and tell me everything will be alright.

it isn't the present that hurts, but the past and it's memories that hurt us.

the christmas spirit

it's christmas eve.
time for me to get my stuff together and enjoy the remains of an approaching christmas.

more rumination.

as the night wind blows, my thoughts drift from the possibility of me suffering from depression, to how nice it'll be to not have all these responsibilities and just live life in the countryside.

I just feel so tired. So alone. Maybe it's the unacclimatised  exhaustion from climbing, or the stress from all that's going on. sometimes, I keep asking myself, why am I working so hard? for whose sake? Or am I just caught up in the system. Programmed to do everyone's bidding.


I want to be alone to think, and to wallow and cry. But I still want someone to be there for me. Conflicted.


>recorded: thoughts in motion

Men. pfft.

I really want to be like her. My current favourite manga female lead character: Ayuzawa Mizaki from Kaichou wa Maid-sama! She has a spunky personality, starts really naive at the beginning, and has a hatred for guys. I guess that's where I relate to her, being like her : "the tiger" of the class, and is the general direction of this post.

I can't deny it. I'm terribly cynical about guys, not to the point of hatred, because yes, I still do fantasize about them, being Mr. Prince Charming and rescuing me from the daily monotonous hum-drums of life. But that's just it. Fantasy. It's hardly reality to find a perfect gentleman for yourself in this world. Hence, being too rational and logical, I still have this stereotypical image of men - Useless, aggressive bastards. It doesn't help that I just read an article about domestic violence on wives, that my dad just threw another one of his unbearable tantrums (which is why i'm trying to finish this post as fast as possible and get out of the house, even on a Sunday), and I'm FREAKING (i would like to use the word fuck, but let's be nice) PISSED OFF at one of my committee members (obviously a guy).

As I attempt to deconstruct my underlying motivations, I just hope I calm down after all this.

1. At home, I was brought up with the belief that guys are nothing more useful than to sit in front of the television, drop crumbs everywhere, and expect the woman to clean up. It doesn't help that my father throws himself into a fit of rage over minor unreasonable issues, spurting vulgarities from his mouth, threatening people with consequences that seem to matter, but we have learnt to ignore, almost on a daily basis. I have learnt to be unconcerned about it, but the truth is, I'll always feel affected by it. These tantrums affect the whole family, builds up stresses and tensions internally, making the home seem so much less hospitable. It's no wonder I feel so much more comfortable out of the house, most times leaving in the morning, returning at night, avoiding any further contact or situations that would throw my mood off. Using the social science perspective, it's through these experiences that I was socialized to think of men as aggressive, unreasonable and single-mindedly stubborn, especially when that is the first male characteristics you infer from a father figure.

2. Men have been disappointing me. Or that I could have set up too high expectations of them, that they constantly fail to live up to these expectations, hence the disappointment. But sometimes, is it just so much to ask from males to act maturely, take responsibility and be nice?

3. My previous boyfriends (if I do consider them), hasn't proved any useful in eliminating the stereotypical view I have of their species.

4. The feminist movement. Growing up in a patriarchal country, but with focus on gender equality and the many challenges that women face in society, has encouraged me to be empowered over my own gender. Empowered to carve the path of my future, without the dependence of men, that we don't need to be protected by them.

So if you think you can change my mind about males, please do look for me and prove the merits of your species otherwise. I'm just protecting a little girl from getting hurt here. 

manga life

manga makes my life seem so dull. reading it propels you into this fantasy world, that you wish you were a part of, where miracles and magic happens. but it's precisely that: fantasy. not reality. which makes it so enjoyable that you never want to leave it.

dreams.

I wanted to be a writer, after I read a book about becoming one in the publishing industry. 

I wanted to be a singer, after I watched a video of a talented artist and was amazed. 

I wanted to be a fashion designer, after I saw the beautiful designs in a magazine.

I wanted to be a teacher, after I read about the miracles teachers make in their student's lives.

I wanted to be a patissier, after I ate one of the prettiest cakes in the world.

I wanted to be a photographer, after I was mesmerized by the photos in a gallery.

I wanted to be a pilot, after I watched a Broadway play about a con-artiste who acted as one.

I wanted to be a flight stewardess, after I watched a movie of them jetting around the world.

I wanted to be a human rights activist, after I read an article about the poverty issues around the world.

I wanted to be a blogger, after I read about the perks of getting invited to events for free.

I wanted to be a ........

and I still can be anything I want to be. 

I don't think I'm fickle-minded or have no future direction, I'm just impressionable. It's wonderful, don't you think? To be able to be influenced by the wonders of life, to inspire one to be something, or someone that is happy to be that person in the future. You've got to enjoy your job to enjoy your life. Because most times, your job will be your life. I'm lucky to still be young, to not yet be stuck in the cycles of working life, where people find so difficult to get up and leave for something they really REALLY want to do. 

It's not wrong to have dreams. It's great in fact. It's a motivation that keeps the world happy.

Did you follow your dreams?

theory behind facebook.

I had an epiphany a few hours ago!
I had the feeling of solving a HUGE mystery, one of facebook. I thought I had figured out the theory behind facebook's success, but alas! Ironies of ironies, once I switched on my laptop in anticipation of recording it down on my memory-keeper blog, all thoughts were lost as facebook distracted me from recording down the theory of facebook!

So as I bathed, without the distractions of facebook in the shower, I attempted to recollect my memories of my epiphanic moment. But no, my short-term memory is so efficient at erasing temporary thoughts from my brain that I couldn't recall it at all.

The theory was likely introduced to me in one of my Sociology classes in school, where there is a sense of needing to know what other people think of you, each time you log onto facebook. It is similar to social reinforcement, where one seeks approval of his or her actions through feedback and comments garnered through their profile and activities online. It's so addictive precisely because we have this constant need to know if we still belong to an exclusive network of friends, and the steps needed to be taken to remain within that group. That is the feeling that keeps you wanting to come back for more information. To be exact, more social information.

Perhaps it was social referencing. It's the closest concept I can put my finger on at the moment, but saying it doesn't give me the same awe-inspiring, earth-shattering revelation of feeling that I experienced earlier. If the word does pop back into my brain, I'll let me know again.

i wish this can be all about you. but no, now there are so much bigger issues on my mind than needing a guy. so why can't you just stay out of my head!

i'm actually surprised at myself for being surprised that i got the position of added responsibilities. perhaps i didn't think that much about it before, or i was hoping to just enjoy and cruise my way through climbing. but now, i've gotta think. what i want, what others want, and how i can achieve it so that everyone's happy. there's bound to be some scuffles here and there, but i'm sure enjoyable will benefit everyone.

i need a relaxer.

i'm tired. and i don't know why.
i've still got to
1) upload photos (guilin + hockey MGMs + new york)
2) research for places to go during my break
3) research for which part of US to travel
4) skype friends
5) diary entry
6) cook dinner
7) bathe

but i just want to sleep. maybe it's the "depressing new york" mood.

i'm back from Krabi - a SMU rock climbing trip, and here I am obsessing over BAGS :D


Presenting the potential candidates:

1. Gregory Tarne 36 Backpack

2. Gregory Serrac 45 Backpack 

3. Gregory Inyo 35 Backpack - Women's

4. The North Face Base Camp Duffel Bag 

5. The North Face Flyweight Duffel Bag

6. The North Face Flyweight Rucksack Travel Pack

7. Gregory Jade 40 Backpack

sweet stuff ain't it. can't wait to get them in the US man.

Ranting is apparently part of my nature. I need a place to just let out my thought, no matter how random they are. But as I am, I rarely will be able to commit myself to something for a long period of time, let alone on a regular basis. And thus, I'm back here, because I don't want to start a new page when I know i'll abandon it someday.

Today's rant is a self-reflection. On why am I'm so tired all the time.

The simplest reason being: I am too busy.

Why am I too busy? Because I take on too many things.

Why do I take on too many things? Because I am interested in these things and want to do them.

Why am I interested in so many things? Because they interest me.

.....

I think everyone who knows me, has heard about the number of commitments I have, and most likely I'm a limiting factor to the scheduling of many gatherings and meetings. I want to work, I have school, I want to play hockey, I want to continue with gymnastics(and perhaps hold on to a past that I gave up), I want to experience the world. I guess with so many commitments, it's unlikely that I'll ever commit my time fully and wholly to a certain project or commitment, which I find a saddening part of my life.

厄年（やくどし）
Unlucky Age

With yakudoshi (unlucky age), there is a great risk of encountering misfortune or spoiling one’s health, so it is the age when one must be careful. Theyakudoshi age is determined by adding one year to the actual age, which occurs for men at 25, 42 and 60, and for women at 19 and 33. The ages of 42 for men and 33 for women are considered to be particularly bad years, and are called "great calamity". This may be just a superstition, but because there have been many occasions when these ages have actually corresponded with turning points in people’s health or jobs, many people of those ages go to Shinto shrines for exorcism.
- Bunka Language School website


oh wells.

I feel a little dumb. haha. was trying to call the S'ore Discovery Centre to check if they were open today, cause my mom wants to go watch Avatar in 3D, but I always couldn't get through. AND, so I went to check the site again, and it was because I was calling the fax number instead.

well, it's Christmas Eve, I'm blogging at home, unemployed,  with no plans for the day besides going to watch Avatar in 3D with my family later today. It feels so weird to just have time to sit at home and slack. Or rather, have nothing to do. I was supposed to have plans to go for a job training this afternoon, but decided I didn't want to take this job up.

The job ad for 'Project Assistant' got my hopes up early last week, and so I applied. I wasn't provided with much information, even the company's name, and was called to go for an interview at Eunos. Hmm. But I went anyway, didn't think much about it at first. But alas! I felt a little cheated after, because rather than a job interview, it was more like a sales pitch to join the company instead. It's a Sales and Marketing firm as they call it, and uses network marketing strategies, which online, more known as Multi-level Marketing(MLM) firms. Such pushy and exploitive sales tactics, I don't want to be part of it. So back to square one at finding a job that can accommodate my jap classes in jan, and hockey trainings with crescent.

As for my social life the past week, it's been varied. From ice skating with Trud, Tabs and Jill (plus getting two huge purple bruises on my knees which everyone has to ask about), to hockey outing with the NJ team at swensons, to my aunt's wedding lunch at my grandmother's place (and we didn't even get to see the bride on the wedding day).
-24th Dec '09
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Another day later, and it's Christmas.In a little more than 24 hours, I'm still not done with this post, and more importantly i'm not unemployed anymore (: Ok, the pay isn't very good, but it's at least something I'm interested in. Being a baker at Petit Provence, Vivocity outlet, you'll see me there starting tomorrow! Well, it changes a lot of things for me, such as not being able to go down for hockey trainings unless I get day offs on those days, which I have already reserved Tues and Fridays for Jap classes. Wish me luck!

Continuing from above, I have watched Avatar in 3D, and I would have LOVED the movie, if not for the 3D effects. Not saying that the effects made the movie bad, and the effects were nothing much anyway, but the problem was that I got motion sickness halfway through the movie. ugh. It brought me back to when I had seasickness in the open seas during YLTC or OBS, I can't remember which. Felt like puking, but didn't. But still, I loved the graphics and plot of the whole story. It just makes me want to be a Na'Vi too, having all that freedom in the forest with such beautiful sights.
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Rewinding backwards a little, I have to say that this week, was the first time I was ever stressed about baking. Worrying whether there was enough time to finish baking everything, whether there was enough ingredients, whether the stuffs are fully cooked. Even made me miss lunch because there wasn't time to cook lunch. But all went well enough in the end I guess, with them all coming to the house to collect the stuff, while I delivered the last order to a friend's place later at night. Let's allocate more time to bake 20 brownie cups, 37 cookie mans and 28 cupcakes, which definitely needs me to start earlier than 9.30am in the morning to finish by 6pm.

More baking was done the sunday before for the Crescent Hockey Carnival. Baked 90 muffins, excluding the first dozen that wasn't sellable. But more importantly was the event itself. I was put in charge of selling the food, with puisheen, don and sakinah helping me. There was a little trouble selling a third of the muffins in the end, but I guess it couldn't be helped. And then I got informed that i'll be 'running the show' next year according to Nordin. It kinda put some pressure on. I mean, it feels as if coach still sees me as a captain, which I guess I am a little surprised, but glad in a way that he acknowledges me, since I left the team to come to NJ. That really made me think that day, about what I really feel about joining NJIP. I always told people that I came only because I didn't want to do my O levels, and didn't miss crescent much after the first few months. My biggest regret however, still is the fact that I left my team, when I was the captain. It felt like I disappointed them, and for once, I didn't follow up on my responsibilities. But I am happy for the reason that I still feel like part of the team, albeit a little more detached as compared to the 15 of them who went through B div together. WELL, always look towards the future and not regress yea? And so, bring on the challenge next year!
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Lastly, I was gonna talk about the one-night trip up to Malacca with my family, but I kinda lost my train of thought on that matter already. Besides my brother doing most of the driving, while I sat in the passenger seat, and my parents in the rear seats (what a funny arrangement you might think), I thought it was a rather uneventful trip. It being one of the unhealthiest days of my recent life (we ate Mary Brown's fried chicken on the first night, next day lunch was melaka hawker food at Newton Food centre, haha!, and dinner was Cze char in Singapore.), and the day I killed the most brain cells with my constant sneezing from sinus, I bought a new pair of black jeans and 3 new t-shirts. I really ought to update my wardrobe with different things now :/

And yes, my brother got into OCS. Congratulations. Why am I not surprised?